May cause dizziness

Maybe some things should be kept to myself, but I am a writer and I like to share so here goes.... Here I sit on Sunday afternoon. I have done a bunch of house cleaning and mounds of laundry with football echoing in the backgroud. Domesticity reigns supreme. What could make for a better Sunday as far as my productivity is concerned? The weather is great, there is still a crispness in the air that smells of leaves and earth. Anyone would be relaxed. Except for someone like me. I poured my second cup of coffee and decided to sift through the wedding magazines that my friend Amy gave me for inspiration. So glad she did because I probably would have put off buying wedding mags for a while. For the second consecutive weekend I have done so. Sifting through countless scenarios cloaked in tulle and chiffon. While having a wedding is probable and conceivable to countless women everywhere, I can't handle all the options, the stress, the lists, the guests, the food, the music, the clever details....And on and on. I have settled on a possible "color scheme" and have ideas of a few possible venues and yet the date is still eluding Chas and I. All my friends had what appeared to be no problem organizing their weddings. I say appear because I wasn't directly involved so anything appeared under control. But then again, I am not everyone and frankly I am borderline nauseous. I feel crippled and almost to the point after thinking about a budget and the "to do's", that maybe a ceremony isn't for me. I know I have it "in" me to organize it but I guess the final question is, am I cut out for a ceremony with all the bells and whistles? I am getting clammy hands just thinking of standing in front of tons of people, all eyes on me. Most people will see the irony as I am definitely gregarious among my friends but not with most strangers. I avoid Target, the grocery store and malls because of my social anxiety. Sometimes I can work around it, but that's for another rant. I know, I am just overwhelmed today and this will probably pass in time. Despite the warnings to take it one day at a time, I am still freaked. Purely freaked out about the ceremony. I am excited and very happy to be getting married but the stress of planning is beyond my comprehension at this point. I know I have to relax, but just coming up with a guest list is DRIVING ME TO DRINK. Do I have a small wedding with just people who have a direct part in my life currently or do I "do the right thing" by inviting people I may not see everyday but have known me in the past? I have come to the conclusion that I do not want a big wedding. But the conundrum is that I have an extended family. I guess this photo I took today while outside and coincidentally after calling my pharmacy making sure I am stocked with my anxiety meds, sums it up succinctly: This may cause dizziness. Judging by how I feel today, I just want to have a "we got married" party and get married elsewhere in seclusion, just Chas and I. We'll see how I feel next week..I am sure I'll get a grip sooner or later.