What is it with assholes in Escalades?...most of them anyway

Ok, so you probably are thinking that I have animosity against Escalades because I drive a VW Jetta "GL" (aka for manual windows, tape deck) and that I am just taking out my daily aggressions on the guy who appears to make more money than I or I had a "bad day" or that I simply have nothing else better to talk about. No, well, kinda but no. My complaint is two-fold here. It starts when I am comfortably coming home from work and like the majority of people, I enjoy traffic when at a constant.

So, I approach a brief stoplight behind a Geo Metro initially and once it turns green, the Escalade next to me is going a decent speed passing us, not fast but not too slow (sounds like I am describing sexual preferences) and being a person who suffers from car-discrimination, I assume the Escalade to occupy a more preferable lane which would naturally go faster than a Geo, so I merge. First time I start having a huge problem with "Escalade": He suddenly decides to drive slower than the Geo Metro which passes me of course. Murphy's Law.

The Geo screams past me so fast that the mural of cancer and "support our troops" ribbons upon its hatch-back becomes a virtual polymorphic blurr. Well, I exaggerate just a tad, but that's what it felt like at my core. I slam my hand on my steering wheel, "great, I am getting passed by a roller skate". You think I am making this up, but I actually said this aloud. I talk to myself, you see. Anyway, there I sit behind this Escalade moving slower than a Mormon virgin. After my patience has plunged into annoyance, I slowly merge toward the shoulder to see if possibly I am misdirecting my anger and there is another asshole slowing traffic in front of him. But no.... It's this guy. I can't go back into the lane where the Geo blasts past me at light-speed because now that lane is slowing due to LEGITIMATE traffic. I am stuck and my blood rising because all this self-important waste of air had to do was apply pressure to the gas and I would be that much closer to home. People are passing him and flying by, and merging into our lane years ahead of us. Luckily, I have a sudden window through which I can go around him. I take it and while I do not normally subscribe to road rage, when I pass him and notice he's talking on his blue-tooth and looking down at what presumably is his small cock, I flip him off and blaze past. I noticed after doing so that he was quite a large man, but what is he going to do, eh?

Enter the second problem with this Escalade that I have: They are too fucking large (not to mention the obvious environmental contraints they pose to our precious atmosphere) and the owners generally feel a sense of entitlement to drive without yielding to the flow of traffic. They have this "they can wait" attitude. Their choice of speed or lack there of should be honored by everyone. Had I been able to see around this monstrous vehicle, my anger could possibly have been softened and I would have signaled long ago to change lanes. I could have avoided his preoccupation with his own farts, or whatever it was that was so captivating to him at the moment he stopped traffic. We're all going to die soon, asshole, we'd like to enjoy our final days, k? Thanks. But his jacked up, overly-priced "truck" obstructed not only my vision but also my sense of morality. So, I looked like a douche-bag sitting behind this asshole while everyone passes me by on their way to happy hour or to whatever their poison may be. "Hey daddy, look at that moron in the dumb car just sitting there behind that big, cool car..." Ok, that was probably never the conversation the kid in the mini-van next to me had with his morbidly obese, beer guzzling, narcotic-popping, mommy-bashing father. I only assume these things about the fat man in the mini-van because I can, it's my blog. Anyway, the Escalade never responded to me after my "hi there, asshole" finger wave, he was too self-involved and was probably scheduling a three way with some slutty waitresses at the Golden Corral for all I know. I just wanted to "share" why I think Escalades are a collective nuisance to my soul. I am making another rum and coke now.