Monday, March 26, 2007

I have way too much time on my hands


I saw this website: http://www.becomeanmm.com/

....and subsequently had to create an M&M that looked like me. Well, given what i had to work with on their site, this was as close as I could get. Don't mock me, just make one, it's kinda fun.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Never thought I'd say it

But..Peyton Manning has great comedic timing. He hosted SNL this weekend and while this has probably been my favorite sketch comedy show for most of my life, Peyton was actually pretty damn good. He even poked fun at how many commercials he has been in, which is quite a few. Anyway, I am not a Colts fan by any means, but I have to admit, funny guy for a football player.

Here's a clip of the mock United Way commercial he does:

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/#mea=84993

Funny stuff.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

As Rosie says, he's a cutie-patootie


I just had to share a few pictures of my little nephew, Jackson, with you all. He just turned 6 months and boy how time flies! This is also to show my softer side a bit. I'm not all about complaints, I can talk about other things besides American Idol, politics and what's wrong with people. So, enjoy.

Until my next rant....

Thursday, March 15, 2007

It wouldn't be Thursday if I didn't have a complaint

First of all, I just want to let it be known that generally I am a happy person. I cruise through life with the same amount of happiness like most people. However, I do not like grocery stores and subsequently the people that frequent them. I have an adage that I think appropriates this rant and it goes: If it wasn't for people, I would be fine. Going to Safeway tonight has confirmed my mantra.

Once I get through the door at Safeway, I decided that I needed to swing by the Starbucks and get some much needed caffeine in order to swiftly navigate through the store. I have a mission: to get in and out fast. I quickly realize that most other people do not heed my sense of urgency.

At the counter at Starbucks, my efforts are immediately thwarted when I have to re-explain that I do not want a scone, muffin or half-priced donut with my coffee. I also am baffled at why the touch screen where I have swiped my debit card won't accept it and therefor the lady has to do it herself repeatedly.

"You must use your card a lot, the strip is worn", she says in a slow, deliberate manner.

"Yeah, well, that tends to happen.."

"Would...you...like...a...."

"No, no scone for me."

So, I now am at the creamer part of my coffee retrieval of which there is none. So, I try to give her the appropriate eye contact to indicate my wishes as she is now helping a young girl and her father. No eye contact for me, thus, no creamer.

"What's...in...a strawberry...frappacino?" says the verbally stunted adolescent.

"Well, it's a..." says the "barista."

At this point, I want to interject: you want to know what a &%**$ frappacino is??!! Well, it's basically a milk shake, kid. Starbucks marketed this specifically for you when creating it. You'll like it, so order it and now, shut up and move along.

I am still standing there and at this point, I am wondering if this little girl needs speech therapy rather than a frappacino because she's still asking questions about the aforementioned "drink".

Finally, the lady sees me and says, "oh....sorry....forgot you needed cream" with an equally slow affectation as the young girl.

I'm wanting to poke my eyes out. I realize that oxygen is sparse here at 6230 feet, but coooooome oooooon.

I now have my cream. I finally can begin my mission.

Whizzing by me as I navigate is a kid with the newest fad, shoes with wheels. They aren't exactly new, but they have recently made a come back and every kid out there has them again. He zips past me causing me to stop and anticipate if I can safely move thus slowing my mission, yet again.

I say to Chas, "That's one fad I wish would go into obscurity".

So, we traverse near the milk. The milk fridge always has loiters. I mean, it's MILK. There are generally 3 kinds at generally the same price. Pick one, and move on. We aren't shopping for cars here, we are shopping for the oldest and most predictable beverage of all time, miiiiillllk. I know right away that I want the fat free organic. I've purchased this same % for my whole consumerist life and I know right where it is. I grab. I go. But no, there is a lady standing right in front of the fridge where my milk is, contemplating her existence and she's no where close to moving. When people want things and are blocked from attaining them, they generally give non-verbals to indicate their desires. In this case, I stand next to the lady, who is now not only blocking my desired % of milk but she is wavering between my fridge and the next. Suddenly, I have a window of opportunity (yes!), so I move in. I grab my milk and before I can turn around and embark onto the produce, she has the NERVE to crowd ME. She goes behind me and reaches in before I have even time to close the door. Oh, I'm sorry, where's the fire, lady? It was like she was a ninja, now you see her, now you don't.

Sigh. I hate people.

Once our cart is full, the ultimate in frustration presents itself: the check-out. I think this is appropriate since people in line literally "check out" and lose all sense of decency and reality. Inevitably there is a pre-teen standing right in between the counter and the gum/candy "impulse buy" rack. Not aware that we are trying to finish up. She looks at us and then back at the candy, then back at us. Clueless. I mean, she was probably 12 and knew she was preventing us from putting our stuff on the conveyor belt. After what I can imagine is a not very pleasant look on my face, she moves and we begin our descent. Thank you!

All in all, the trip took over an hour for just a few items. I was pleasantly surprised how the check out gal didn't butcher Chas' last name per usual, but actually asked us how to pronounce it. That was noble. I usually get versions of my last name that are actually harder to pronounce than my real name. De-l-a-santos? That's the usual. Or "Delasanardo?" That one was my favorite. Geez.

"Nope, nice try. There isn't an L in my name. have a good day and enjoy your career at Safeway."

That's what goes through my head, I wouldn't be so rude as to say that. No way. Not me.

I will say that I am not going back there for a while. I will order my groceries online or get a personal shopper or something. It can be done.

Goodnight. I'm going to take some deep breaths and find my happy place again.

THIS...is American Idol...GAHHHHHH!

Yes, I watch Idol. As ashamed as I am to say it, I do. Plus, I think Simon Cowell gets a bad rap. He's really not that "mean". He's honest and doesn't lie to the contestants. He's British, what does everyone expect? Southern hospitality? If they stunk, he'll tell them. He doesn't sugar coat his opinions with seemingly drug-induced apathy like Paula Abdul. He doesn't attach "I'm not feeling you, dog" to every sentence as punctuation like Randy Jackson. He's just authentic and not a bullshitter.

I have to say that I am extremely disappointed in the voting public. They are obviously misunderstanding that "this is a singing competition" which is the new catch phrase for this season. How anyone can listen to Sanjaya without throwing their remote at the TV is beyond me. Sure, the music is "poppy" and sometimes "cheese", but some are MORE talented than others and the voting public might as well be as tone deaf as Sanjaya himself. Perhaps he has a soft spot among the hearing impaired, who knows. I think the judges should decide who stays and who goes without giving that right to 28 million people who have screwed it up lately.

I probably won't download any songs from these people ever, but I like a fair competition. Plus, I tune in for the psuedo-homosexual-inuendo between Simon and Ryan Seacrest.

Until next time. Sanjaya, go home already.

Seacrest, out.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

I feel like this today....


Swimming with sharks today. Yes, that's me, the little fish near the jaw of this rather large shark. Normally, he ignores us little fish, but today, the jaws are open.
In case you haven't figured this out, this is a poor analogy for my week at work. I'd elaborate but it's not really worth mentioning on here. Just saw this photo on National Geographic's website and it personifies the daily grind and the worthless office politics that we face day to day.
Have a wonderful day.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Update...

So, my Dr. told me that not only did my eye "tissue" biopsy come back as negative for cancer but also it was actually...

A pigment-less mole.

A mole.

That's it. Thank you for playing.

Um, what? I went through ALL THAT for a stupid mole??!!!

Yeah.

My Dr. kinda giggled (yes, he did) when he told me and then said "Dr. Gardner (original Dr. I saw at my first visit) will get a kick out of this. This is definitely unique.... because usually we can detect moles due to their pigment and yours had grown into a unique shape with no color...."
Blah blah blah.

Thanks, Doc.

As of now, I still have a swollen eyeball. I wake up with goop sealing my eyelid shut. I am still "blurry" and I feel "weird" and uncomfortable. Not to mention, driving in daylight holds new meaning as I squint and hold my eyelid shut to avoid the glare which has intensified 10X and prevents me from comfortably driving around. Yes, I use sunglasses, but they are Chas' and I know, I need to get some prescription sunglasses. All this is true and doesn't diminish the fact that what was once a normal activity (driving) is now meer torture.

Had there been the slightest chance it was a mole to begin with, I would have spared myself the pain and suffering and would have "dealt" with it until it was really convenient for me to get it removed.

But the urgency suggested by the words "cancer on your eye" prompted me to race over to the surgery center and have this "fun" procedure.

Oh well, character building exercise no. 94 in my book.

Note to self: it's always a mole in disguise.

Sometimes, anyway.